Tuesday, December 21, 2010

DOG GONE IT

One day two guys were walking down the road when they came upon a dog who was licking it's dick.
One guy said, "Damn, I wish I could do that".

The other guy said, "I'd pet him first, he looks a little mean".

Sunday, December 19, 2010

NO-NO



R-U THE CAB ?

This one is good for a lotta' laffs if you do it right.

You go into a bar and hollar, "Taxi".  Some drunk leans off a stool and sez:

Are you the cab?  I reply, "No.  I'm the driver.  The cab sent me in to get you.
Let's go".

ROCK STAR

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CHECKING

from; TAXI TIMES



RULES

CAB DRIVER'S RULES
of the street

TALK IS CHEAP
MONEY FIRST
KEEP THE DOORS LOCKED


MOTTO

KICK ASS
TAKE NAMES
and
DON'T PLAY GAMES

THE POEM

THE HACK

HE'S GOT TO BE CLEVER

HE'S GOT TO BE QUICK
and
HE'S GOT TO HAVE
A
BIG, BIG
DICK

from; TAXI TIMES

TAXI'S



Saturday, December 18, 2010

BACK SEAT DRIVERS

One night I pick someone up.  They give me a destination which is on the other side of the river.

As I pull onto a bridge that runs straight as an arrow for five miles, I'm told, "Go straight driver"

Years of accumulated rage boiled over.  That was the straw that broke the camels back.

I drove to the high point on the bridge and pulled over.  I got out of the cab and walked around to the other side.  I opened the door.  He looked at me and said,....what?

I grabbed him by the shirt and in one motion pulled him out of the cab and threw him over the side,

As he fell I leaned over the rail and shouted..

...don't forget to fall straight down.

Before another car passed I got back into the cab and drove away.

Someone went to town and didn't come home again.  Happens all the time.

DRUNKS

DRUNKS

...are a cab drivers curse.

It was new years eve in Charleston, S.C.  It was three or four o'clock in the morning.  Drunks were on every corner desperately trying to flag a cab.

I stop for one.  When he got in he promised me the world to take him home, which I did.

When we got there, he won the game.  He was home, he was on his territory, his power base.  His attitude adjusted
which is not un-common. 

He became rude and surly and didn't want to pay.  Finally he decided to degrade me by throwing the money on the ground and making me pick it up, which I did.

I went back to the cab and started it up.  I rolled down the window and hollared, "fuck you asshole".

He charged the cab.  I pulled off a little and watched him in the rear view mirror.  I stayed just enough ahead of him so he thought he could catch me.

When he looked winded I pulled a little ahead and got out of the cab.

He ran right into the punch that knocked him out cold, flat on his ass. I got in the cab and drove away.

What happened.  In a while he wakes up, finds his way home.  In the morning he remembers nothing and wonders why his jaw is sore

BOB

SMILIN'  
BOB

I was driving in Charleston, S.C.  For almost a year I would pick up this guy named Bob and run him to this whore's house.  Bob was a gentle giant who always had a smile on his face for me.

She must have been a real bitch cause all Bob ever talked about is how bad she treated him.  Kicking him out in the middle of the night, etc.

One day I asked him, Bob, how much does she get to fuck?  He said forty bucks.
I told him, you go tell her you know a kinky white boy who will give her a hundred bucks to tie her up and butt fuck her. 

A week later he comes back and says, she said no.  I told him to tell her
two hundred.  she said yes.

So one night Bob and I roll on up to her place.  We go inside.  I pull out two,
crisp hundred dollar bills and give them to her.  She goes into the other room and comes right back.

We tie her up and I pack her fudge for her.  When I finished I told Bob, your turn.  She starts screaming and hollaring that we only paid for one.
I pull out two more c-notes and put them in front of her face.
Her eyes got big. I said, I'll put these with the rest.  She said it was in the other room in a drawer.  I went in, took out her money and went back into the other room.  I said....o.k. Bob, your turn.  Bob jumped on her and packed her fudge a little more.

When he finished, we left without un-tieing her.  I think she was pissed cause you could hear her all the way down the street.

BOOKS

I have published two books about driving






TAXI TIMES

TAXI TIMES

on line

.....devoted to all things related to taxi cabs.

I spent the better part of forty years driving cab.  Everybody loves a good cab driving story.  This will be where you find it.