TIPS

TIPS

...and how to get them

Over the years of driving taxi I developed getting a tip into an art form.  The first thing is where did you pick them up at?  Do they look like they have money?  Where are they going?  How are they dressed are good clues.

In Charleston, S. Carolina I developed a series of stories.  I would know how long a trip would take and was able to time the story so the punch line was delivered as they reached into their pocket for their money.

For awhile Charleston had a bunch of "death rockers", kids that would dress up like vampires.  I came across a group of them one foggy night down by the breakwater.  Walla, we had vampires.

Suppose it was a couple of older women from New York coming out of expensive hotel going to an upscale restaurant five minutes away. 

You can't rescue someone who's not in danger.  So the first thing you have to do is establish yourself as their savior.

The first thing I say is; "It'sa good thing you took a cab.  The city doesn't want you to know this but it's, not safe out there".

They literally cringe and say; "Oh yea...!!?" because it confirms what they suspected and wanted to hear.

Then I tell 'em.....we got vampires.  I don't mean we just got'em.  We got clusters of them.

Now their in trouble because they took the bait, hook, line and sinker.  Now that they were hooked I reeled them in.

Now I tell them; Yea..!!! last month on a full moon one got in the cab and had me ride him out into the middle of no where, some isolated salt marsh.

He got out, paid the fare then walked off into the marsh.  It was foggy and I was curious so I followed him.  He had some zombies stashed back there like so many bottles of milk in a refrigerator.

Then before they could figure out what I was talking about I continued.  Last week one got in the cab and tried coming over the seat at me.  I elbowed him in his nose and broke it.  It started bleeding like hell.

Then he started licking the blood with his tongue.  Talk about your sick cannabalistic shit...!!

At this point were two thirds of the way to their destination and I'm in control 'cause I'm timing my delivery.  Then I tell them....I usually got it but I'm out of garlic.  Making a cross and hissing helps.

I've rescued them.  As we approach their destination I tell them some low fare.  Now I stop and deliver the punch line.  As they reach for their money, I look 'em in the eye and say in a deadly serious voice, don't linger outside.

They of course laff and give me a nice tip.

The escaped actor worked well also.  It worked especially well on a trip from the market to the Holiday Inn on the Ashley river.

It was good 'cause I could start it when I was ready with the bait.  "Where ya' from?"  They'd tell me

but that was just a lure so I could tell them I was from Hollywood.  There'd be a big pregnant pause.  Then they'd want to know, Hollywood, S. Carolina, Hollywood, Fla or the Hollywood, Hollywood, Calif.

I'd tell 'em, THE HOLLYWOOD.

Then I'd confess to being an "escaped actor".  They were now my captive audience.  "It's so damn hard to find an audience anymore and now your gonna' pay for it".

I tell them I saw the Robert DeNiro Movie TAXI  and I've been hooked ever since.  Then I tell 'em, I'm out looking for a pimp to dust off right now and just happened to pick you up.

Then I deliver the punch line;  Ya' gotta be very clear about this. I'm not a cab driver.  I'm an actor pretending to be a cab driver, but I do it very well.

Like the props?  They work well, don't they?

Then I tell 'em not to worry sometimes I get lucky and find these places by accident.  Just then I spot their destination and say, damn, lucky again.

Then there was something for a cab full of drunken sailors heading for a titty bar.  Usually there is a member of the group who is the low rung on the ladder.  The other guys work him.  He's the kind of guy who doesn't do well with girls.  When I sense who it is I go to work.

I tell them the reason I drive cab at night is for the sex.  Whores don't come out till the sun goes down.  I get more pussy driving cab then anything I've done in my life.

They suck it up.  Then I tell them I had a girl in here last week who I thought was gonna' rip the ceiling out of the cab.  I pause for a moment then in all seriousness say...when I stuck my tongue up her ass and tasted her shit.

The cab breaks up and the nerd in the corner sinks deeper into the seat.

She was only fourteen, I guess that's why she got so excited.  Just then we pull up at the titty bar.

Usually this results in a genrous tip.  As they go inside I say, thanx guys.  Don't let them whores get all your money.

YANKEES EXTRA

When I drove cab in the deep South, Charleston, S.C. If I detected an accent or had reason to believe they were from out of town I would inquire as to where they were from. 

If they said somewhere North of the Mason-Dixon line I'd hit them with "Yankee's extra".

I'd tell them this was a "Yankee's extra cab".  Meaning it was a dollar a head extra for Yankee's.  I called it reparations for the Northern war of aggression.  At this point I often got a lot of corrections in exactly where they were from.

I told them, cold is God's way of punishing the Yankee's for the war.

There was a running joke.  It went like this;  Ya know what a Gawd damn Yankee is ?  A Yankee without a first name.



THE DOCTOR'S FIANCE'

This happened in Charleston, S.C. It was about 5 A.M.  in the market when a woman approached the cab and asked if I was available.

Of course I was available.  Where'd ya'll like to go at this hour of the morning?

She was looking for her niece, who was in the "drug area".  Made me suspicous right away. I thought, you got 2B kidding....!!!!

When she said she might have to get out of the cab and go look for her I asked her if she wanted to

 ...buy some drugs.

She answered, yes....!!

We cruised on down to the drug area and got some candy, but got ripped off so we went somewhere else and got some more.

We headed to my place to do it up.  She took her top off and let me play with her magnificant tits but wouldn't take her pants off.  She said she was in her period.  Magin' dat.

When we were done I took her back to her hotel.

She had gotten up in the middle of the night, took fifty dollars out of her boyfriend's wallet (a doctor)

and went out to buy some crack.

When I suggested I might get "more" later, she said her fiance' would be gone between 9 A.M. and 4 P.M.

That would be the window of opportunity, but another guy also said he might show, and besides we wouldn't be able to do anything in the room because her fiance' got breaks and could return at any moment.

Ohhh....!!! what tangled webs we weave when we plan to decieve.

I don't know but I'd bet they didn't get married



WEED

Over the years as a night time cab driver I've bought a ton of weed on the streets.  I was only caught twice.

Once in L.A. near Pico and Alvarado I was buying from a Mexican when the police came up on us.  He dropped it on the ground.

The cops grabed him.  One of the cops picked up the dime and asked me if I was gonna buy it.

I told him..."I was thinking about it"

The second time some nigger sold me some real grass.  The cops stopped me but had to let me go 'cause it was the real thing .

One of my favorite stories on the subject goes back to when I was living in a car.

I had put on a serious buzz and hid the rest somewhere. Pretty soon I get pulled over.  The cop took one look at me and asked, "what's wrong with your eyes?  I told him I have an allergy to grass, then I couldn't resist and said...I get Chinese eyes when I smoke it.

He didn't think it was funny. (No sense of humor, that's why he's a cop)  He wanted to know if I had any weed.  I told him, yes.  He said, let's have it.

I looked and looked but couldn't find it.  He looked and looked but he couldn't find it either.  Boy was he pissed.  Then they got a call and left.

I found it a week later just where I thought I had left

it

TAXI ART

TAXI TIMES

THE ACCIDENT

THE SKINNY

HOT FLASH

X-CLUSIVE TO

TAXI TIMES

The skinny from the streets is;  THE VIRGIN MARY

WAS NOT...!!

A VIRGIN

Recently discovered documents reveal that when asked to confirm her virginity she replied, " Yes, except for that one time." She said that didn't count because she had heard you had to do it three times to be sure.

It only gets worse and goes down hill from there.  Jesus did NOT die on the cross.  He only went into a coma.  After a good nights rest he felt better in the morning.  He made some noise.  A homeless person passing by heard him and helped him move the stone.

When he got out he saw Mary Magdeline coming.  He thanked the homeless person and asked him to leave because he wanted to..."suprise Mary." He went and hid behind a bush.

Mary went in and saw the empty tomb.  She went outside and there was Jesus...Hallelujah, a miracle, Jesus done rose from the dead.

Jesus, senseing an opportunity decided to take advantage of Mary and ...play her.

He told her, "Let's get outta' here.  These Jews are trying to kill me." 

They went and spent the night in an olive grove.  Mary had a little smoke and large, sweaty breast that glistened in the moon light as she breathed in and out.  He was a frustrated, thirty two year old virgin that needed to get laid.

The moon was full, the night was hot...nature ran it's course.  It was a religous experience for her.  When she got her nut, she screamed....OH GAWD, here I cum.

The bottom line is this...JESUS FUCKED A WHORE.

He died from his wounds.  She got pregnant had a little red haired girl that she took to France for safe keeping.  Don't let the Christians know.

YELLOW CAB

HOMELESS IN L.A. THE GYPSY LOT

When you live in your car, pretty soon you discover the "gypsy lots."  Places where people who live in their cars congregate to sleep.  When people talk about the homeless problem in L.A. they think of the well publicized images on the six o'clock news of E. 5th St.  The area around the missions known as skid row.  Nice images for the news, but the natural extension of being homeless in this great car cultue is a shadow culture of gypsies on wheels.

By and by people who sleep in their cars congregate to certain areas, generally known as gypsy lots.  Safe places away from homes and schools.  It doesn't look good.  People call authorities who are not always pleasent. They usally are problems for people who are too poor to fix up old cars, let alone things like registration, tags, warrents, etc.

On the South edge of Hollywood is just such a lot.  A large paint store parking lot on one side, a studio wall on the other.  A little shade some bushes.  What happens when you move into your car is you discover certain basic problems.  Where to eat, where to wash and how to answer the call of nature.   Contrary to popular belief homeless people do not want to releive themselves in your bushes.  They have no choice.

When I first started living in  my car, a 72 Dodge station wagon with enough room in the back to stretch out, I made the misstake of wasting time and gas driving to the beach.  Cars get hot fast in the morning when they are in direct sun light. 

One morning I woke to the call of nature, #2 to be exact.  The very loose kind middle age people sometime experience.  It was a right now demanding call, unless you wanted an accident.  Not only that, I could tell in an instant, in spite of my head ache the car was very hot.  No windows open for security.

I sat up naked in bed to discover I was surrounded by a herd of blue haired old ladies who had gotten off a tour bus to look at the ocean.  It did not matter, nature was demanding right now, no if's, ands or buts about it.  Pants and newspaper was all that left the car, while the ladies pretended to look at the sky and water.  I slipped over the side, down amongst the rocks where the river Jordan flowed and the L.A. times crumpled three times cleaned it up.


The most bizarre experience was coincidently my second strangest sexual experience to date.  (See Playgirl Advisor, Cab driver on the make, May 1981, for 1st)  I crashed around two A.M. in the afore mentioned gypsy lot.  Sometime after dozing off I was awakened by the sound of a woman crying and a car starting.  I rolled over to see.  All I saw in my window was a large set of tits.  Moving closer I got a better look.  A punk rocker by the looks of her hair cut.  Young, a little fleshy, probably big bones.

I was naked again.  I think it's sexy and it feels good.  I opened the door and asked, ...what's wrong? She was crying and was suprised to see me.  She had just been raped at gun point by a Mexican she said.  Turns out she had been shooting up synthetic heroin and had gone out for a walk and was picked up by a guy in a pick up truck, driven to the lot where I was sleeping and raped at gun point six feet from where I was at.

Well what are ya' gonna' do in a situation like this?  I got up, got some clothes on, put a top on her 'cause her tits were distracting.  It had been a long time for me.  I got her in the car and took off.  She wanted to know where I was going.  the police of course.  No way, not for her.  She had needle tracks and no I.D.
Not only that she was a singer in a punk rock band and was scheduled to be interviewed in the morning by a magazine who coincidently had just canned me.  I told her it wasn't her day.

We ended up at an all night diner across the street from her motel.  She knew I slept in my car. so asked if I would stay with her.  I figured she was afraid.  Why not I thought, it's the least I could do for her.  Maybe I could catch a shower and, no I pushed that thought out of my mind.  Not a woman who had just been raped.

She went first.  Five minutes later I followed.  If the Chinese night clerk had not been arguing with some pimp I might not have got pass the window.  But I did.  When she let me in all she had on was her panties.  I started to sweat.  This woman had just been raped, she couldn't want more. I had never heard of that before. It had been a long, long time for me.  I still remembered pussy.

Well the truth is I lost control and started kissing and fondling her.  She responded.  Within minutes we were out of the shower and into the bed with legs in the air we made the double back beast more than once till dawn, then slept till noon.  After which I got up, squeezed her tit, kissed her good bye, said thanx and walked out the door.

Strangest experience, driving down Sunset Blvd, wondering if it was a dream.  What a way to end a sexual dry spell.

Think thats the end of it.  Not hardly.  A month later, same lot, other corner.  I'm just dozing off when a car parks next to me.  Not again.  I'm lying low and facing away so they don't know I'm here. Over my shoulder I can see a young black chick and an older white guy.  They're talking.  Then they get out of the car.  I'm praying nothing happens.  I don't want  to have to jump out into the cold of the night naked and do battle with some sicko who's punching out a little black whore.

They come towards my car.  I hope they don't see me.  They go between the cars to the back.  He lifts her skirt, drops her panties and sticks it in her.  Then he starts humping her with me watching.  Wap, wap, wap.  A few minutes of that, a few grunts and groans, sighs and moans then they leave me alone.

A guy couldn't get a decent nights rest anymore.  I didn't park there after that.

MY DARK SECRET

The real reason I like chocolate syrup on my hot fudge sunday

I've had a "dark secret" for years now.  The awful truth is I was molested when I was a boy.  It happened in the men's room in a park.

The day was hot and muggy.  I was sweating like a pig.  I was taking a leak in the men's room when it suddenly grew dark.  I said, 'who's there?' There was no answer just the sound of someone breathing real heavy.  Not just breathing but wheezing the way real heavy, fat people do.

Then there was the sound of slippers coming across the loor.  I turned around just in time with my penis hanging out to see a huge black woman with enormous breast.  She had un-buttoned her dress and did not have a bra on.  She grabbed me and held me against the wall and started fondling me.

I couldn't breath.  She was smothering me.  The harder I struggled the tighter she held me.  I got an erection, hard as a steel spike.  She didn't have any panties on.  When she rubbed me against her pussy I had three convulsions.  On the third one I came all over the place.  In her hand, on my pants, what a mess.

She left me in the corner, softly whimpering.  I didn't tell anyone.  I felt un-clean, violated.  for years I was totaly terrified of black wimmen.  As I got older things got worse.  If I was close enuff to smell them I'd get an erection. Elevators, crowded busses, I was so embarrased.  Once a woman rubbed against me and I came in my pants.

Black wimmen could sense my fear.  One came up behind me once and scared me in a convience store.  I dropped an ice cream on the floor.  From then on when ever I went in there she became verbaly abusive.  I was clumsy white trash.  If I dropped something else she'd make me clean it up or whip my ass.  I came in my pants again.

One time I went in there for a hot dog.  She came over and kneed me in the thigh.  when she saw my erection she grabed it and said, "This ain't no Gawd damn hot dog."  "That ain't mustard, either." I said.

That's how it started.  She stalked me for years.  She'd be in the house or around it.  She'd send me filthy letters.  She'd call up and breath heavy on the phone.  She'd say she was touching herself and I should do the same.  I'd hear her howling...oohh!! GAWD here I cum, over the phone.  She was one sick puppy.  I finally moved away.

I went to a Southern town and started driving cab.  That was a misstake.  I was alone with them.  Then it happened.  It was a call for a market in the hood.  Two black wimmen.  One looked like mighty Joe Young the other like Tyra Banks.  I made them for a couple of lesbians.  A fem and a dyke.  I helped them load the groceries but I knew I was in trouble.  They weren't going far.  It didn't matter, I was as  hard as a rock.  I was praying they wouldn't notice.

There was something about the way the big one breathed that reminded me of my dark secret.  They wanted me to help carry the groceries in.  Tyra first then me followed by Mighty Joe Young.  I was hard as steel as I walked down a narrow, dark hallway.  I was listening to Mighty Joe walking behind me.  It reminded me of those slippers from long ago.

Just then I came to a door.  In the room was a bed with hand cuffs.  Before I could say...wha, the f.... they jumped me and hand cuffed me to the bed.  My worst nightmare had come true.  I was petrified and terrified at the same time.
Then the most disgustung thing happened.  Mighty Joe Young smothered me in the most obscene way, she sat on my face.

I couldn't breath.  She was smothering me while I grasped for air.  My penis was so hard it was humming like a tuning fork.  Tyra went down on me.  I shot my load just like that.  You'd think it was a whip cream commercial, so much came out.  They both got real excited and took lot'sa pictures.

Then they let me go, paid the cab fare but not a dime tip and kicked me out.  I went to the police but was so upset I couldn't relocate the place.

I HAVE TERRIBLE LUCK WITH WIMMEN

I was driving cab at night in Charleston, S.C.  Late one night an Indian girl gets in the cab.  Cherokee I think.  She was a little drunk, very friendly.  She put her hand inside my shirt and pinched one of my nipples.  Hurt like hell.

We decided to go have a couple of drinks.  Within an hour we were kissing, sticking our tongues in each others mouth, rubbing against each other, etc.  I suggested a motel.  She said yes.  We found a place and got a room.

I must have been a little aggresive cause when I grabbed a tit she whipped out a knife and slashed me across my chest.  Split my nipple clean in half.  Hurt like hell, so I punched her in the nose and broke it.  There was blood everywhere.  She bit my ear, I bit her tit.  Then somewhere in the middle of it I got an erection.

Best sex I ever had.

We started going together.  Maybe about a month went by when the Lorena Bobbit thing happened.  I just coudn't  talk to her about it.  We were drinking.  She just got meaner and meaner.  I said the hell with this and went back to the room.

No sooner had I dozed off when I hear a noise and look up.  There she was in the door with blade in hand.  She screamed, "I'm gonna' make a real woman outta' you."  She let out a war whoop and came for me.

I had a gun under the pillow.  I pulled it out and got off one blind shot.  Got lucky, got her right between the eyes.  Gawd what a mess, blood and brains every where, took forever to clean it up.

When I moved her body it was still warm.  I thought, why not!  One last time won't hurt.  That was so good I rolled her over and packed her fudge for her.  Talk about banging the back door shut.

I had a sailboat so I went out and fed her to the sharks.  Nobody would believe self defense so lying low for awhile seemed like a good idea.  I cruised on up to New York city and dropped the hook in Sheeps Head Bay and started hanging around Brooklyn.

I met a black girl in a bar.  I guess she didn't want anyone to know she was seeing a white guy 'cause I never met any of her family or friends.  When she found out I had a sail boat she wanted to go sailing so we did.

I had heard black people were not good swimmers so I asked her if she could swim.  She said no, so I had her put on a life vest.  Away we went.

It was a little ruff that day.  She had big tits and the life vest was rubbing against her and making her sore, so I told her to take it off.  I swear to you it happened just like 1,2,3.  She stood up and dropped the vest, as she did I saw some dolphins.

I said, "There's some dolphins."  She said, "...where?" One, two steps and she was on the edge.  The boat lurched, she went over the side.  I fell down but managed to get up and grab the life ring.  When I looked over the side it was already to late.  She went down like a rock.  Never broke the surface. I watched her go down till she blended into the big dark.  I put the life ring away.  There wasn't any point.

"Shit" ain't nobody gonna' believe two accidental deaths in a row.  When I got back nobody mentioned anything so I picked up the hook and set sail South.

I went back to driving cab at night.  My luck was about to change, so I thought with my ultimate score.

It must have been 3 A.M.  She was a white woman, young, attractive.  A great set of tits.  She had a satin blouse on that was open to her belly, no bra. You could see her nipples.  Said her name was Angela.  She was a little drunk, all hands and wanted to know my name.  Then she put her hand in my shirt and pinched a nipple.  Why do they do that?

I told her she had a great set of tits.  She said that she had "breast augmentation surgery."  I asked, "...whadya' do that for."  She said it made her "feel good."  So I reached back and squeezed one.  "Seems to work, feels good to me."

That led to talking about sex.  I told her I was, "deformed."  She wanted to know what I was talking about.  I reluctantly confessed my dick had a hook in it.  When I was a kid I was messing around with this girl.  I was jumping around and slammed into a wall and broke it.  Well she just had to see this so we found a secluded spot and parked.  I got in the back and whipped it out.  It just lay there.  She said it's not hooked.  "Gotta' be hard," said I.

So she proceeded to do a Monica Lewinsky imitation.  It stood up, straight as an arrow.  She said, "It's not hooked."

"HEALED," hallehluya, I've been healed."  You fixed it, let's not waste it.

Would you believe we got married, had twins, a boy and a girl bought a house and settled down.  I continued to drive taxi.

Charleston had a rickety, narrow two lane bridge that crossed the Cooper River to Mt. Pleasent.  (Ugly truth is there was no mountain there.")  It goes up, then down, makes a slight left turn and goes up again and down to the other side.

One night about four in the morning it was raining like hell.  Just as I crest the first hi point a car flys by.  I was going pretty fast.  Just like in the Streets of San Franciso it flys into the air.  When it got to the bottom it goes into a slide.  I swear I'd never seen anything like it in my life.  Just before it hit the curb the driver must have flipped the wheel cause the car stood up on end, did a pirouette and a half gainer over the side and never touched the rail.

I jumped out but couldn't see a damn thing in the dark and rain.  It looked to far to jump so I got on the radio and called for the police.  The police came but couldn't see anything.

You won't believe what happened next.  I was arrested for drunk and disorderly, driving under the influence.  (Two beers and a killer joint) Resisting arrest and was committed for six moths for observation.

When I got out I discovered my wife had filed for divorce, sold the house and disappeared with the kids.

I have terrible luck with wimmen.

SAFETY

I was cruising around Westwood, Calif., next to L.A.   where UCLA is located.   It was early evening when I get a flag on a side street from some waif of a chick.

She wanted to go three blocks.

I asked her why she just didn't walk.

She said;  'cause it ain't safe out there.

I asked her;

  What make's you think it's safe in here

?

CALL HOME

BLOOD PRESSURE



BUTT WHAT

IS ANAL FIXATION

THE SAME AS

TERMINAL ASSHOLE

?

COJUNCTIVE COLITIS

IS WHEN YOUR SHIT

IS STUCK IN

YOUR

GUT

COLOSTOMY

ANAL ANALYSIS

RECTUM INSPECTION

ASSHOLE CHECK

ARD

ANAL RETENTION DEFICIT

IS WHEN YOU CAN'T

REMEMBER

SHIT

I WAS ADDICTED TO FOOD BUT

HAD TO GIVE IT UP

BECAUSE

...EVERYTHING I ATE TURNED TO

SHIT

MAZIN'



from; TAXI TIMES



CONFESSION

I was driving in Beverly Hills, Calif.  The crem' de la creme

if you please.

There were two kinds of people living there.  The common rich and the filthy rich.  They had a private club that they hung out at.  It was way back in a private residential area, away from the tourist.

Only movers and shakers went there.

One late summer afternoon I get a call for it and drive on up there. 

The parking attendant said my fare would be out shortly and directed me to park next to a brand new, sleek, shiney

Jaguar.

It was a deep forrest green.  Who ever owned it was obviously a person of status.  It was parked right next to the entrance where nobody could miss it going in.

It obviously said; I'm important.

When I backed in next to it I heard a noise.  Un-oh.  I pulled up and looked in my rear view mirror.

There was a nipple size dent the size of a quarter in that

shiney, new, forrest green Jaguar.

I was mortified

I had visions of being Bar-B-Qued by the pool

or hung from a cross till the birds picked the

flesh from my bones, not to mentioned

being fired.

I debated with my self what to do.  Confess to the valet or

be discreet. 

About then the valet flagged me.  The people got in the cab and I took them some where.

I've felt bad about that for years but now that I've confessed

I feel much better



CONFESSIONS

The TAXI CAB is the travelling

CONFESSIONAL

Jeus drives cab at night in Hollywood

Tell him your sin, give him a big tip and he takes it away into the night

You feel better......for a little while anyway.

The driver has a confession

The reason I drove for so many years was the

SEX

I got more pussy than anything I've done in my life

So much so, that now

I can only get off in cabs.

Now that I'm older, co-ordinating the girl, the cab and the Viagra is a real challenge.