I HAVE TERRIBLE LUCK WITH WIMMEN

I was driving cab at night in Charleston, S.C.  Late one night an Indian girl gets in the cab.  Cherokee I think.  She was a little drunk, very friendly.  She put her hand inside my shirt and pinched one of my nipples.  Hurt like hell.

We decided to go have a couple of drinks.  Within an hour we were kissing, sticking our tongues in each others mouth, rubbing against each other, etc.  I suggested a motel.  She said yes.  We found a place and got a room.

I must have been a little aggresive cause when I grabbed a tit she whipped out a knife and slashed me across my chest.  Split my nipple clean in half.  Hurt like hell, so I punched her in the nose and broke it.  There was blood everywhere.  She bit my ear, I bit her tit.  Then somewhere in the middle of it I got an erection.

Best sex I ever had.

We started going together.  Maybe about a month went by when the Lorena Bobbit thing happened.  I just coudn't  talk to her about it.  We were drinking.  She just got meaner and meaner.  I said the hell with this and went back to the room.

No sooner had I dozed off when I hear a noise and look up.  There she was in the door with blade in hand.  She screamed, "I'm gonna' make a real woman outta' you."  She let out a war whoop and came for me.

I had a gun under the pillow.  I pulled it out and got off one blind shot.  Got lucky, got her right between the eyes.  Gawd what a mess, blood and brains every where, took forever to clean it up.

When I moved her body it was still warm.  I thought, why not!  One last time won't hurt.  That was so good I rolled her over and packed her fudge for her.  Talk about banging the back door shut.

I had a sailboat so I went out and fed her to the sharks.  Nobody would believe self defense so lying low for awhile seemed like a good idea.  I cruised on up to New York city and dropped the hook in Sheeps Head Bay and started hanging around Brooklyn.

I met a black girl in a bar.  I guess she didn't want anyone to know she was seeing a white guy 'cause I never met any of her family or friends.  When she found out I had a sail boat she wanted to go sailing so we did.

I had heard black people were not good swimmers so I asked her if she could swim.  She said no, so I had her put on a life vest.  Away we went.

It was a little ruff that day.  She had big tits and the life vest was rubbing against her and making her sore, so I told her to take it off.  I swear to you it happened just like 1,2,3.  She stood up and dropped the vest, as she did I saw some dolphins.

I said, "There's some dolphins."  She said, "...where?" One, two steps and she was on the edge.  The boat lurched, she went over the side.  I fell down but managed to get up and grab the life ring.  When I looked over the side it was already to late.  She went down like a rock.  Never broke the surface. I watched her go down till she blended into the big dark.  I put the life ring away.  There wasn't any point.

"Shit" ain't nobody gonna' believe two accidental deaths in a row.  When I got back nobody mentioned anything so I picked up the hook and set sail South.

I went back to driving cab at night.  My luck was about to change, so I thought with my ultimate score.

It must have been 3 A.M.  She was a white woman, young, attractive.  A great set of tits.  She had a satin blouse on that was open to her belly, no bra. You could see her nipples.  Said her name was Angela.  She was a little drunk, all hands and wanted to know my name.  Then she put her hand in my shirt and pinched a nipple.  Why do they do that?

I told her she had a great set of tits.  She said that she had "breast augmentation surgery."  I asked, "...whadya' do that for."  She said it made her "feel good."  So I reached back and squeezed one.  "Seems to work, feels good to me."

That led to talking about sex.  I told her I was, "deformed."  She wanted to know what I was talking about.  I reluctantly confessed my dick had a hook in it.  When I was a kid I was messing around with this girl.  I was jumping around and slammed into a wall and broke it.  Well she just had to see this so we found a secluded spot and parked.  I got in the back and whipped it out.  It just lay there.  She said it's not hooked.  "Gotta' be hard," said I.

So she proceeded to do a Monica Lewinsky imitation.  It stood up, straight as an arrow.  She said, "It's not hooked."

"HEALED," hallehluya, I've been healed."  You fixed it, let's not waste it.

Would you believe we got married, had twins, a boy and a girl bought a house and settled down.  I continued to drive taxi.

Charleston had a rickety, narrow two lane bridge that crossed the Cooper River to Mt. Pleasent.  (Ugly truth is there was no mountain there.")  It goes up, then down, makes a slight left turn and goes up again and down to the other side.

One night about four in the morning it was raining like hell.  Just as I crest the first hi point a car flys by.  I was going pretty fast.  Just like in the Streets of San Franciso it flys into the air.  When it got to the bottom it goes into a slide.  I swear I'd never seen anything like it in my life.  Just before it hit the curb the driver must have flipped the wheel cause the car stood up on end, did a pirouette and a half gainer over the side and never touched the rail.

I jumped out but couldn't see a damn thing in the dark and rain.  It looked to far to jump so I got on the radio and called for the police.  The police came but couldn't see anything.

You won't believe what happened next.  I was arrested for drunk and disorderly, driving under the influence.  (Two beers and a killer joint) Resisting arrest and was committed for six moths for observation.

When I got out I discovered my wife had filed for divorce, sold the house and disappeared with the kids.

I have terrible luck with wimmen.