TIPS

TIPS

...and how to get them

Over the years of driving taxi I developed getting a tip into an art form.  The first thing is where did you pick them up at?  Do they look like they have money?  Where are they going?  How are they dressed are good clues.

In Charleston, S. Carolina I developed a series of stories.  I would know how long a trip would take and was able to time the story so the punch line was delivered as they reached into their pocket for their money.

For awhile Charleston had a bunch of "death rockers", kids that would dress up like vampires.  I came across a group of them one foggy night down by the breakwater.  Walla, we had vampires.

Suppose it was a couple of older women from New York coming out of expensive hotel going to an upscale restaurant five minutes away. 

You can't rescue someone who's not in danger.  So the first thing you have to do is establish yourself as their savior.

The first thing I say is; "It'sa good thing you took a cab.  The city doesn't want you to know this but it's, not safe out there".

They literally cringe and say; "Oh yea...!!?" because it confirms what they suspected and wanted to hear.

Then I tell 'em.....we got vampires.  I don't mean we just got'em.  We got clusters of them.

Now their in trouble because they took the bait, hook, line and sinker.  Now that they were hooked I reeled them in.

Now I tell them; Yea..!!! last month on a full moon one got in the cab and had me ride him out into the middle of no where, some isolated salt marsh.

He got out, paid the fare then walked off into the marsh.  It was foggy and I was curious so I followed him.  He had some zombies stashed back there like so many bottles of milk in a refrigerator.

Then before they could figure out what I was talking about I continued.  Last week one got in the cab and tried coming over the seat at me.  I elbowed him in his nose and broke it.  It started bleeding like hell.

Then he started licking the blood with his tongue.  Talk about your sick cannabalistic shit...!!

At this point were two thirds of the way to their destination and I'm in control 'cause I'm timing my delivery.  Then I tell them....I usually got it but I'm out of garlic.  Making a cross and hissing helps.

I've rescued them.  As we approach their destination I tell them some low fare.  Now I stop and deliver the punch line.  As they reach for their money, I look 'em in the eye and say in a deadly serious voice, don't linger outside.

They of course laff and give me a nice tip.

The escaped actor worked well also.  It worked especially well on a trip from the market to the Holiday Inn on the Ashley river.

It was good 'cause I could start it when I was ready with the bait.  "Where ya' from?"  They'd tell me

but that was just a lure so I could tell them I was from Hollywood.  There'd be a big pregnant pause.  Then they'd want to know, Hollywood, S. Carolina, Hollywood, Fla or the Hollywood, Hollywood, Calif.

I'd tell 'em, THE HOLLYWOOD.

Then I'd confess to being an "escaped actor".  They were now my captive audience.  "It's so damn hard to find an audience anymore and now your gonna' pay for it".

I tell them I saw the Robert DeNiro Movie TAXI  and I've been hooked ever since.  Then I tell 'em, I'm out looking for a pimp to dust off right now and just happened to pick you up.

Then I deliver the punch line;  Ya' gotta be very clear about this. I'm not a cab driver.  I'm an actor pretending to be a cab driver, but I do it very well.

Like the props?  They work well, don't they?

Then I tell 'em not to worry sometimes I get lucky and find these places by accident.  Just then I spot their destination and say, damn, lucky again.

Then there was something for a cab full of drunken sailors heading for a titty bar.  Usually there is a member of the group who is the low rung on the ladder.  The other guys work him.  He's the kind of guy who doesn't do well with girls.  When I sense who it is I go to work.

I tell them the reason I drive cab at night is for the sex.  Whores don't come out till the sun goes down.  I get more pussy driving cab then anything I've done in my life.

They suck it up.  Then I tell them I had a girl in here last week who I thought was gonna' rip the ceiling out of the cab.  I pause for a moment then in all seriousness say...when I stuck my tongue up her ass and tasted her shit.

The cab breaks up and the nerd in the corner sinks deeper into the seat.

She was only fourteen, I guess that's why she got so excited.  Just then we pull up at the titty bar.

Usually this results in a genrous tip.  As they go inside I say, thanx guys.  Don't let them whores get all your money.